As parents of young children, time can feel elusive — and it generally is. Living in our "self-care" obsessed society, when we're hearing we need to be taking more time for ourselves when that simply isn't happening for us at this stage of the game certainly does not help!
Sure, we can be more mindful of the time commitments and choices we are making, carving out snippets of time for ourselves to recharge as needed. But, like any lasting change, it starts with incremental, small steps.
So what do we do if we've been at work all day, our child has been in daycare or school all day? Or, you're a stay at home parent and you've literally been with your child all day and are exhausted? In all cases as parents, we can feel drained and disconnected because we're human.
And still, the number one thing our children need, both for their developing brains and for their hearts, is our unwavering connection.
Enter: SPECIAL TIME . Yep, you heard it right and it sounds exactly like it says. Special time is just 3 - 10 minutes per day of scheduled, uninterrupted time with your child. Your phone is OFF, your other children are occupied, and it is just you and your beloved little for that set time.
In a nutshell, what special time does for the parent/child relationship is build credit in your "relationship bank." Because life is hectic and we are busy all day, real connection can be hard to come by. And yet, we all need it. Special time fills this undeniable need.
Special time creates a safe container space for you to SHOW your child that you care on their terms and in their language. It gives us a tool of being able to relate to them on their terms through their child-directed play.
The practice of gives us cushion for those parenting cringe-worthy moments during the day and week (and we all have them because we are human!). Because we’ve built up “credit” in our child’s relationship bank, we are able to connect with our children more easily and readily — and they, us. Our children love us unconditionally. This means they very easily forgive and forget. It is us as the adults who hold onto our "mistakes" which can infiltrate our parenting as guilt.
Special time fills our child's cup up so much, that significant improvements in their behavior is experienced. They feel loved, seen, heard, and most importantly safe with us as parents. Often at the end of special time, they will have big tears and for good reason! It's the end of something they LOVE, which is being with you!
As we deepen our awareness in our parenting practice, we can begin to rely on special time for our own mental and emotional health too. We know we have this wonderful tool that actually works and is filling up our child, as well as ourselves-- everyone's hearts are full. This has the potential (and it did this for me) to be able to look at our parenting guilt as something we feel, yet not consume us because we KNOW without a doubt (as evidenced in our child’s behavior) that we are doing something so nourishing for our children and our relationship with them.
But don't take my word for it. Try it out and give it at least 2 - 3 weeks before deciding to quit. Often, we simply aren't in the habit of being THAT present with anyone, so go slow and be gentle with yourself. Set the timer for just 3 minutes in the beginning. And expect some tears at the end -- which you can pat your self on the back for because it means you are doing something right and your child feels safe to off load their emotions with you! Bravo!
You can read more about Special Time here , its benefits, and how to "do" special time in more detail.